I'm trying to figure out why I get so angry and agitate before something new. It's like my excitement gets channelled into angry agitation that I can help but what to drag everyone around me down with it. I am miserable to be around and pace like a caged dog.
I'm like this before many camping trips, and before any new activity, program or place I have to go. Like Sparks tonight. I have our first Spark unit meeting tonight. Perhaps it's the lack of support. I have been asking for months for help, without getting anything I need. I hopefully have a second leader coming tonight, but I'm not certain. There should be at least 4 girls. How many might show up that haven't registered yet? I don't know. No one can tell me, either. I don't know what the minimum number of girls are needed for a unit.
I can see why many people enjoy their routine and fall into a rut.
It probably doesn't help that the house is a disaster. Toys are absolutely everywhere, and before you go and give me the GOOD advice to have the kids clean it up...fuck off. Do you not thiink I've tried that? HOW THE HELL DO some parents get their kids happily onboard to do chores? I'm sitting here after a 20 min fight with C about helping instead of just doing what she wants to do all the time and I'm pissed off. I feel like the most incompetent parent ever. I can't even get one child to clean up one fucking mess before taking another activity out. Now I have a very angry 9 year old up in her room, who unfortunately inherited my damned stubbornness. Yes, I do realise that consistency when they were younger would have helped. I have realised that there should be a pre-childbearing aptitude test. I would have failed miserably. One question: Do you have pets and do they piss you off ? If you answer YES to that question before having children... DON'T HAVE KIDS.
I long for the days when the kids are out of the house. I'm moving far away at that point. Perhaps in another country for a year. Solitude. A complete disconnect.
Then, while I'm feeling this way, I don't call my parents. That's just another depressing part of my life I don't really feel like dealing with right now.
And the schoolwork. Why am I homeschooling? I am a completely lazy person who doesn't have the internal strength to get her kids to do anything I ask, let along ensure that their educational needs are met. I have no backbone and am afraid of what others might say if I enroll my kids in the public school and they realise that my almost 8 year old reads at a grade 1 level. My 9 year old refuses to do any written work, (creative writing, longer answers, etc)
Sorry for my rant. I'm feeling very agitated and angry today. That will pass around 6pm when I get to Sparks.
Julia
1 comment:
I know you didn't ask for any comments or a rebuttal but you know me and I can't stop myself some times ;)
I have to tell you I was grinning ear to ear reading this. Not because it was funny but because so many of us can relate. You are not the only lazy mom. And you probably aren't as lazy as you think. Your kids get fed, clothed, driven places, etc. That alone takes up so much damned energy it can be hard to muster up energy for the bigger fights.
Who gives a shit about clean houses?! They are completely overrated ;)
You've already made a few tiny strides with R. What happens, happens and you will all survive.
Embrace your anxiety issues. They aren't going anywhere. You see them for what they are. Its your lot in life and overall you are managing pretty fucking well, madam spark leader :) It sucks. Your kids will look back one day and be pretty impressed that you kept your shit together as well as you do.
Parenting in the trenches can really suck. We love our kids. They still suck. Lol. They take all this energy from us and instead of being grateful and loving, they throw hissy fits and call us names. Someday we will have grandbabies and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.
And I feel your pain about being left twisting while waiting for things to get organized. I would have liked to have helped with Sparks except I didn't want to help with Sparks. Ha!! I feel the same shit when I do co-op, art, etc. It sucks. We do it anyway and are happier for it.
So CHEERS to one of my dearest friends!!!! You, Julia, are surviving and that is the most important part of all. Screw the rest of the bs and have another glass of wine.
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